I think I’ve mentioned it on my blog but I don’t really drink tea or coffee. It’s not my favourite drink, sorry! I personally think nothing can beat a good hot chocolate. I drink it all year round and it’s literally perfect. I know many people usually go for a warm cup of hot cocoa […]
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. Galatians 2:20 NASB
Here I sit writing letters from prison My Dearest Mom, I hope this letter finds you all well, blessed and full of Joy!
Thank you so much for the wonderful card, your letter with song words and puzzles. I appreciate and love you very much! I am at yet another prison, I am going to try to work my way North again.
Meanwhile, I will try to get into any all programs I can I got on every waiting list I could! There is a waiting list for everything here. I spoke with the beautiful Shonna last night. She has not heard of plans for Christmas from your Deb. I am going to call on Christmas but, the beautiful Shonna said evening would be best. That will be a year back together already! I look at our pictures over the years I can’t believe I have been head over heels in love with her for almost 35 years.
Trials Patiently Awaiting The Unknown
Through all the trials pain and joy. I would not change the outcome for anything/everything! I can’t wait to come home and show all of you the better me.
Just as Gold must be purified through fire. I too had to be refined (and still working on it) Just wish it would not have taken so much for me to wake up and pull my head out of my butt! Thank God he never gave up on me! Neither did you! As much as Shonna is a gift of God too my life, so are you! All of you! God gave me a mom, soul mate, children and sisters! What an incredible blessed and man I am! For this I am truly thankful.
Now,Here I sit writing letters from prison I just wait on my appeal and law changes to bring me home. The weather here is a bit chilly but okay, how is it there? How are you? how is your health? Well I guess I will scoot for now mom. I love, miss and appreciate you very much! Happy and Merry Christmas to all. Please give my love and greetings to all! I am with you all in spirit always. Your Son Kenn Here I sit writing letters from prison on 2018Dec22
Good day my love, I hope this letter finds you all well.Here I sit writing letters from prison blessed and full of happiness.
I also hope you are staying warm. It has been freezing and windy here! Who knew hell was actually cold. I made a trade for some more paper so no worries my love, calling you in a few hours. It’s almost 2019!
Maddie will be 18 in a couple of weeks 18! ahh How is it I am getting old (and look it) and you’re not (and don’t)? Geesh boy sure are lots of rumors flying around about the new year! I just hope a few of them are true! I sure want to come home asap! And feel it’s getting close here I sit writing letters from prison.
Health and Well-Being
Not sure if I told you but, still no luck on my RMA diet. The guy that approves it is a Muslim he sent me two ducats (two weeks in a row) but, did not make it to either appointment. I spoke with the Muslim inmate leader as well as the chapel clerk. They advised me that the reason Mr. Saafir has not approved the RMA meal plan I have been on for a few years nor made the appointments he set 12/17 and 12/24 is because I am Christian!
I am not sure if this is true but, here I am 24 days into my stay at this place and I do not have a way to receive my proper meal. I will give Mr. Saafir one more chance to rectify this situation before I write him up in a 602 which I have been told that if you (an inmate) write a 602 in this prison custody does and will retaliate against you. It just gets better here all the time!
Attorney Generals Office Here I Sit Writing Letters From Prison
I wonder when the last time the A/G’s office checked this place out? Come on new governor make some changes. Lord, change their hearts from stone to flesh. That’s another sad thing – I tried to attend a Christian program here called ‘Gatekeepers” that I was invited to last weekend and was shunned by a larger number of the membership while in line. Comments about you must be on our list, you just can’t show up for free cookies? Not that I care about free cookies but, our Jesus never said that to all he fed! He just said break the bread into pieces and pass it out He made sure everyone was fed. I have never felt so unwelcome.
Prison System Needs To Be Audited
Oh, and lets not forget the constant racial issues here. Hispanics and blacks for the most part but, a defined racial divide is present here of course not with drug sales or homosexuality. not sure why but, I seem to be almost exempt from it. I guess because, I refuse to be pulled into any of that stuff! geesh even when I have food I can’t heat it up. The wait for the one microwave on this floor is at least an hour.
The ‘hot water’ dispenser for coffee and soups has been broken for months (so I’m told) and my hot-pot was taken away from me when I arrived because, these building are made of wood! Its’ OK to smoke tobacco, weed, or shoot up drugs using a home-made lighter – drink pruno, fight, have gay sex but, please don’t heat water for food even though you can’t have the food that does not make you sick! Okay, woof my rant is over. Sorry, I don’t mean to complain but, I should not even be in prison. I miss my family.
I have not seen my beautiful soul mate angelic face in months – can’t even hold her hand, I’m heartbroken! Please father let me go home. I have missed seven-year of my family. I am a new creation in you Lord. Please give me the strength I need to trudge on and claim victory in Jesus name. Please Lord give my family the strength and desire to stick with me through all things and not leave me again. Amen sorry, my love it’s just tough here. I don’t know why we are being fire baptized and tested. For all of this strengthening the Lord sure must have big plans for us together!
I miss you bunches! I can’t wait to get out of here. Put my arms around you and never let go again! Sorry, if I seem ‘needy’ but all this separation wears on me. I pray for strength (mine and yours) daily. I just got off the phone with you. You make me strong and happy. Thank you my love for all you do! I appreciate you my sweet, beautiful soul mate I find it strange that there is now only 2 charges/convictions list on my stuff now?
Hmm that couple with the base term of 6 years sure makes me wonder? and why I was changed from Med-A custody to Medium B? Weird hopefully a good weird. I have put in 6 years 5 months in state prison. 11 months in county jail plus over a year of milestone credits! So, I think they should let me go home now to my wonderful loving family.
I wonder what are the base on the two convictions listed on my file now, can’t be more than 10 years for both!
New Laws Patiently Awaiting The Unknown
I am interested to see what transpires next month. I guess rumor also has it CDCR needs to release 30k inmates in 2019 to comply with fed orders? That would be consistent with the new ankle monitor devices and agreement with Global-Tel who knows the Lord has the perfect plan praise our amazing God!
So, imagine what would you and I be doing right now if I was home? After praise and prayer? Sunday, morning I get up at 0500, kiss your forehead, pray, workout, make family breakfast, shower, dress for church, after church family day! Games movie day trip etc. get home make dinner family time, bedtime for family, I stay up to do laundry make lunches for you and kids etc for next day. Iron your and my clothes for next day. Go to bed, pray snuggle and squeeze you tight, muah! hehe Sorry, I can be silly at times.
Patiently Awaiting as I write letters from prison
Meanwhile back at this place. I am finding myself talking to these younger men gang members mostly about change, evolution into something better, exploiting resources, turning the negative into positive, etc. I just hope the Lord gives them the motivation for change! Yes, I pray on it. My love, Okay, well guess I will close for now.
I will write again in a couple of days I love, miss, appreciate, adore and desire you very much! Eternally yours, please give my love and greetings to mom, Austin and Madison Muah. Here I sit writing letters from prison on 2018Dec29
Happy New Year! I hope this letter finds you all well and blessed. Here I Sit Writing Letters From Prison and another year fly’s by.
I hope all is well with you. I also hope you are staying warm It has been very cold and very windy here for about a week. We have old single pane sliding windows here so the cold comes right in. Last night I had to put two sets of clothing on but, it was still cold. Also, our bed frames/pans are steel so they stay cold also, I can’t wait to move closer to home and get out of this place. Actually, I can’t wait to get home to my family.
Job and Vocation
They gave me a porter job here from pm til pm no pay and computer vocation from am to am so at least I can obtain more training and certifications and earn another six weeks off in 4 months, if I am here long enough to complete it.
Relief needed as I write letters from prison
I was able to talk to the beautiful Shonna last night. She was home trying to relax I sure can’t wait to wrap my arms around her! All of you for that matter. I miss you all very much! I hope and pray this year brings some relief for all of us in these prisons. Sooner the better still no word on my last appeal update either? Well mom guess I will scoot for now. I miss, appreciate and love you very much! Please give my love and greetings to all, your son Kenn. Here I sit writing letters from prison on 2019Jan01
Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugate, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear.
Here are a few examples:
name-calling are all forms of emotional abuse, as are more
subtle tactics such as:refusing to be pleased with anything,
isolating an individual from family and friends and
invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings.
Examples of emotionally abusive behaviors include:
Humiliating and degrading
Discounting, distorting and negating
Accusing and blaming
Withholding affection and emotional support
Withholding financial resources
Dismissive, disapproving, or contemptuous looks, comments or behavior
Threatening harm to an individual’s pets, possessions or person
The effects of emotional abuse are often debilitating the symptoms you may have are:
difficulty concentrating an making decisions,
overwhelming feelings of worthlessness,
poor physical health.
What is the difference between emotional abuse and occasional outbursts of anger?
It’s important to distinguish between emotional abuse and an occasional outburst of anger. Because, everyone has a bad day once in a while and they may respond with a harsh or negative word on occasion does not mean that there is an ongoing pattern of abuse.
Emotional abuse is an ongoing pattern of behavior designed to:
subjugate another that usually occurs behind closed doors.
Example: When you set the table for dinner, your spouse or family member will come into the kitchen, walk around the table and adjust the placement of the silverware, plates and glasses, saying some day you may or will get it right or maybe not ….
Why does one individual abuse another individual?
While the reasons for emotional abuse are complex, most experts believe it is rooted in unresolved childhood trauma. The individual is in as much pain as their victims, only they don’t realize it!It takes a great deal of effort and professional guidance for an abuser to overcome his destructive patterns of behavior.
What does the Bible say?
Nowhere in scripture does God sanction any kind of abuse! In 1 Corinthians 13, 4-7 God tells us what love is and what it is not. “It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it always protects. In regards to abuse within marriage, some misinterpret Ephesians 5:22 to justify abusive behavior. Scripture reveals that the marriage relationship is to reflect Christ’s relationship with his church—one of sacrificial love. A wife is called to respond to her husband’s biblical headship, not to his destructive and sinful behavior, just as the wife’s mandate is to respect her husband. God never condones abuse!
Can survivors of emotional abuse find help and hope? If you or someone you love is a victim of emotional abuse, there is hope! You can stop the cycle of abuse today by reaching out for help! You were created to have emotional freedom, inner peace, and strong self-esteem.
Emotional abuse has undermined God’s plan for your life, your joy, and your peace. What others have sabotaged, God can rebuild!” Emotional abuse is rampant in our culture, and Christians are not immune. While all emotionally abusive relationships take a toll on their victims. This type of domestic abuse within marriage is particularly destructive. The intimate nature of the marriage relationship presents unique challenges.
Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?
Were you raised in a dysfunctional family? Our childhood experiences may set us up for making poor choices later on in life. You may need help to work through the challenges—as a couple, individually or both.
Find a safe place to talk and to someone, seek professional guidance each situation must be assessed on an individual level. Is separation from this individual an option?
A time to heal in the life of the abuser. It forces them to face the destructive nature of their behavior and gives them an opportunity to seek help.
The ultimate goal of this type of separation is healing—for the victim, the abuser and the marriage. When a woman says, ” If I stay here much longer, I’m going to hurt myself or he’s going to hurt me.” It’s time to move into a period of separation,”
There are safety factors for individuals or families that need to be considered.”
During the separation, the victim, with guidance from a counselor, can begin to set appropriate boundaries and goals for the relationship.
The abuser can also begin to address the issues causing their behavior.
When both partners are willing to do the necessary and painful work required for healing, spouses can salvage the relationship.
Sometimes—and despite best efforts—separation and divorce are unavoidable.
Other times, couples restore their relationship. It has been a long and difficult journey, but you can find healing—individually and in their marriage. “It may seem hopeless at the time, but it’s not.
There is a way out, there is hope!
An emotionally abusive childhood
Your childhood may have been emotionally abusive and unpredictable.
My mother, struggled from mental illness when I was a child.
Not only did the incidents of violent and frightening outbursts of rage leave me feeling insecure, unloved and inherently bad.
I sought out my attention by ditching school altogether or seeking some sort of affection from the opposite sex.
Lonely, insecure and feeling unloved, I grew to accept cruel and destructive behavior from friends, thinking I didn’t deserve any better.
I met my highschool sweetheart at my third high school. I describe our love as “love at first sight.”
He had a difficult home life, raised by a single alcoholic mother.
Burdened by the trauma of his past, he grew increasingly controlling and possessive.
As the abuse worsened, so did my health. I developed chronic pain. Although he was not a good fit for me I seemed to thrive for the challenge of tug of war. I can honestly say this pattern repeated with other relationships, some with different outcomes and all had different forms of abuse.
Now, almost 50 years old I strive to remain healthy. I know I can heal from a lifetime of abuse. It’s taken me some time to learn to trust people and to form healthy, biblical friendships. ”Despite the time it has taken to heal, I am grateful for all the love and support I have received from family and friends.
My testimony of God’s faithfulness and love. God has redeemed my pain and uses it to bring healing to others.
Should you be beaten or battered? Can you stop the cycle? Are you on high speed when you should be on low speed? Before going on to the the next step, are you thinking about the last step, what speed were you in? By not thinking about the speed you’re going in and forgetting that the beater is still set on high, all those ingredients will fly out of the bowl…and you may have to start all over again.
Spending lots of money and time trying to make a product that should have been there the first time, in the making, but, you were hasty and quickly tempered to lose it. We need to learn to remain present, remain calm and go slow when it comes to God’s creation.
Do we need to unplug? Do we need a place to gather? Are we leaving residue everywhere? Do we need to be cleaned? Are we open to recommendations? Are (we) spoiled-rotten, tasteless or tasteful are we producing a ripe harvest?
There have been some changes in me lately, can I tell you about them?
I had an experience that literally changed the course of my life and made me who I am today, so about me.
Let me start with how I thought at one time. I used to think God did not care about me but, I now feel much more settled about those feelings.
There was a time when I thought God did not exist. I thought of myself as useless, unwanted, used and an abused. All these things had taken place throughout my life and they were mostly due to the influences of others.
Bending over backwards
As I was going about life wanting happiness and bending over backwards for others. Feeling depleted because my wants needs and desires. were not being filled. This left me feeling used, abused, dirty and ashamed.
After all these events took place I had to repent and surrender my life to God.
Surrendering Amongst Drowning
This is what it looks like when you fully surrender. Why does it take this to finally turn to God and give him everything? To stop pursuing everything on my own. Crying out to God telling Him I am yours use me, fill me, complete me and deliver me what you feel I deserve. All when you feel the timing is right, not what’s on my agenda.
I gave God the steering wheel and allowed him to steer. This meant letting go of everything, Thanking Him for where I was and what I had. Learning to enjoy and love what I had at the moment even if it wasn’t much.
The most important thing was that I was able to focus on was my two children.
When I had this change happen to me I started to spend more time in His word. Since then I have learned that I can lean into him, versus others.
I now see Jesus as my father that I can go to any time of the day or night.
Having endured countless things that have been thrown upon me. Including one particular day, the day I asked God a question. This particular question to GOD was on a blazing hot day in the greater Sacramento area of California! I was the ripe age of 43. At this time in my life I had been re-married for 6 years. Although, I had two children from a prior marriage. My son had just turned 14 years old and my daughter was only 10 years old.
During this time I was about fifteen pounds overweight . Mostly, because there was no time to cook meals at home so we ate out everyday at least two meals a day.
At this time my spouse owned and operated a security business. We both had our private investigators licenses. Working full-time for a technology company and re-enrolling in college, owned and operated my own bakery business mostly on the weekends.
The Vehicle I Was Driving
The vehicle I was driving (borrowing) at the time was a my spouses friends car. A dream car of many. The car was in great condition outside of needing a tune-up. On August 16, 2011 as I was driving the car to pickup my son from football practice the car started sputtering. I kept praying God, please get me to the high school.
Sitting in the Mustang sweating to death. Waiting for my son to finish football practice, I phoned my spouse. He was supposed to give the car a tune-up over the weekend. I’m basically stranded and afraid to drive the car further. He said, “I will take care of the car when you get home”.
I was so upset that I was put in this predicament in the first place, I was frustrated and emotional over the phone with him. After hanging up on him, I looked up into the sky around 6:00 pm and asked God can my life get any worse? Well, I will admit to you right now to my dismay the answer was yes! Yes, it’s going to get a lot worse!
24 Hours Later
Have you ever asked GOD in a prayer for an answer and expect or at least hope for the answer sooner rather than later? Well I can tell you mine was answered less than 24 hours later. My question to GOD took place around the 6:00 o’clock in the evening of August 16, 2011 and was answered the very next day around the 2:00 o’clock in the afternoon hour.
Before I tell you what happened you will need you to understand why it happened. I hope you are ready for this crazy twisty kind of story. You will never know when your life will start over but, it does start over, it can start over, because your purpose is why you will restart. You need to try and keep a positive attitude, because today is a new day, all things are new in it! AMEN! So, it’s a fresh do over or start over! Every new day, is a fresh new start, because you can never say it is tomorrow, because in reality it is today.
But, you can also choose to look and live your life in the rear view mirror, which means you won’t be moving forward. We must move forward in life, seeking and walking. We will not be running, because hastiness will cause havoc, I know that all too well too. My dad had a nickname for me, he would say slow down ‘Hurricane’! Because, I would never do anything slow! Why follow directions? The answer is because you need a direction or a path to follow, if you have no direction, or you choose to not stay on the path your life may turn out like doorathee from Wizherd of Awhz , Maybe that is why my life has been what it has been.
Do you want to live with a mentality thought process of saying “I should of” or “could of” which is pure misery. If I would have finished my college education. If only I would have listened to my parents. Your parents are telling you this because of their life experiences trying to save you the time, because you will make many mistakes, these mistakes will cause you to make u-turns, hit bumps and chuckholes, and all because you didn’t want to listen to their advice. Advise is knowledge from experience!
We are all going to look back to our childhood someday and wished that we hadn’t walked in the wilderness for 40 years as a lost child.
As a child we know how to dream. We are creative and we trust others easily. These are the things we do throughout our childhood.When something really bad happens to us we learn how to bury things deep inside, as if it never happened.
As I look backat my childhood I was always conjuring up ideas on how to change my world. I loved nature so much I would flee to our small little forest all to escape my everyday life.
I was around seven years old when I was playing outside with the neighborhood kids. Nothing odd or strange about that, I played with these kids in our neighborhood all the time. There was a particular day when a van was part of our play day. The van was parked in a vacant space a little ways from our home. Sometime had passed when I heard my mom calling my name. I couldn’t answer nor, could I come to her. My mom’s voice became more frantic. I still couldn’t answer or come.
Eventually, when I was released and able to return home I got into a lot of trouble. I didn’t know what to do or to say except to pay the consequences for not coming when called. How would I or could I tell my family what happened? I couldn’t tell them so, I kept it locked up inside, or so, I thought.
The Foundation of Forgiveness
For followers of Christ, the goal is to become increasingly like Him, and one of the best ways to reflect His character is through forgiveness. Yet sometimes this is a quality we are reluctant to demonstrate because it seems so unfair, especially if the wrong done to us is ongoing or particularly painful. To forgive appears to diminish the offense and counteract justice.
The foundation for our forgiveness of others is God’s forgiveness of us
Today’s passage contains a parable in which a man is forgiven a sum too exorbitant to repay. Yet he turns around and demands immediate payment from someone who owes him a small amount. That’s what we are like when we think others’ wrongs against us must be avenged even though God has forgiven us.
Un-forgiveness torments us, not the wrongdoer
It’s a caustic poison within us that corrupts our emotions, stunts us spiritually, and stresses our bodies. When we don’t release the offender, we end up imprisoned in bitterness, resentment, and hostility—and that is sin.
Forgiveness doesn’t negate the wrong done to us in our childhood.
It doesn’t deny the offense or the resulting pain but let’s go of the right to get even. Vengeance is God’s responsibility, not ours (Romans 12:19). We don’t have all the facts, nor can we know the offender’s true motive. Only God can judge accurately and fairly. When Jesus suffered the ultimate injustice of the cross, He entrusted Himself to the Father (1 Peter 2:21-24). Can you follow His example and trust God with wrongs done to you?
So, when we look back to our childhood and we learn how to forgive those that have done wrong we will no longer feel like a prisoner.
My father brought me under his wing and started teaching me how to do some of his work. Breads, Danish, cookies and the all time famous custard filled Beehive. Now that is something worth experiencing.
Recipes Worth Experiencing
My father tried teaching me how to make the recipes, but, there was a problem with doing the recipes. Because, I did not have the muscles to lift the 40+ quart bowls full of the ingredients is this part worth experiencing?
Scaled Off Sizes
I had to work with the scaled off sizes, which was helping but, it has been a very hard task to fulfill when it comes to baking these days or being able to be called a baker, you must understand why you are using certain ingredients and the results of the product, like the rising and falling of an item. This is where they say you need to know the science behind it.
Too Late To Learn
I guess I could learn it now, but, what is the point right? I am old, what is there to gain from it now? Not true, there is always a need for it, you may need to make your own bread at home or you may need to teach someone else, so others are able to fend and feed themselves. Knowledge is gained when you make food from scratch, and why not try using healthy ingredients like whole grains and fruit.
We can ingest items but, we must be cautious by not over indulging in them. Speaking of which, I used to eat our baked goods, but, I worked out too, at this time I was the smallest I have ever been in life. Do all things in moderation and remember that exercise is a great stress reliever we all need to do some sort of exercise, remain fit, don’t be a couch potato there is no benefits to that.
Try Something Different Its All Worth Experiencing
Be unique by trying something different, why hold out for something you truly want, what are the advantages and disadvantages of experiencing something?
Sharing Is Caring For Others
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